What's that smell?


In the life I had before my current one I worked at an auto insurance company with a guy who ranks in the top 5 funniest people I’ve known in my life.   I love funny people, I collect them and if I was a weirdo, I would keep them in a hole in my basement and make them lotion their skin while cackling at their wit.   Knowing that behavior could get me arrested, I’ve let them continue to live productive lives.   Anyway, this guy was known for saying “That went over like a fart in church”.  I think of my friend’s analogy often, especially because with kids around they are quite literally farting in church, and nobody’s grandma needs to smell that mess.  

One of my boys has the silent but deadly talent of burning off nose hairs and peeling paint at the least opportune moments, especially in tightly packed public places.  Out of nowhere *BOOM* your eyes are watering, you’re losing consciousness and looking around for the emergency exit.   Recently while in public I noticed the woman next to me had panic in her eyes, I could smell it too.   Her thoughts were visible on her face, “Is this the end?  Did North Korea finally drop a bomb on us?”   Oh no, don’t worry ma’am,  it was just my boy’s butt.   As people squeezed away from us and tried to hold back their vomit,  he sweetly looks up and says “excuse me”.   He may be unleashing hell's fury but he’s polite about it.  Do you hear me people?  He is polite!  My job is done.

We talk all the time about going to a safe zone before he just lets it go.   They either sneak up on him or he likes to see what terror looks like as a facial expression.  It always reminds me of how people look when I offer to teach them to meditate or recommend that it can cure all of their problems, including their ingrown toenail.   I wish I had a collage of the faces, they are honestly priceless.  Listen up, I’m not asking you to follow me into a brothel with a wad of dollar bills and a free weekend, I just want you to take the edge off of life.   

My public farting child once said “if I hold them in my whole butt will explode”, which is similar to how I feel.  If I don’t tell everyone about meditation my whole butt might explode too!   So here I am.  Listen up people, meditation is amazing!  It basically exercises your brain, google it, there are buttloads of articles about the benefits of a regular meditation practice. Have a hard time getting to sleep?  Try meditating.   Can’t stop screaming at your kids?  Try meditating.   Want to punch your husband in the face because he was unaware your family owns a mop?  Try meditating.   Are you the Dad that didn’t know your family owned a mop? You should most definitely meditate (picture me side eyeing husband).  Super stressed, getting wrinkles, health problems, depression, ingrown toenail?  Try meditating.  It is super easy, can be totally free and will absolutely change your life.    

In conclusion, THE FART has something to teach us.   Can you hear it? I hope you can, hearing is the only sense you have left since your eyes melted out of your face and your nose no longer works.   Meditation, like a fart, won’t kill you, but it will save your head from exploding. Fart away little one, but stand by another lady so it looks like she’s your Mommy.